The Rage and the Pride

While on the subject of 9/11, I just finished reading The Rage and the Pride by the late Oriana Fallaci. It is an awesome, passionate book. She takes everyone to task, from Pope John Paul II to various political leaders to her fellow Italians. She is not afraid to tell it like it is regarding the behavior of Muslim immigrants in Europe. She refuses to be cowed by political correctness. She has some wonderfully vicious things to say about Arafat and Jane Fonda (for whom she has such contempt, she will not even write her name -- but you know it is Fonda to whom she is referring). She also has a lot of kind things to say about people like the Dalai Lama and Rudolph Guliani.

Fallaci has no use for the libertinism that passes for freedom these days...she sees this as a great weakness. Although she claims to be an atheist, it is clear that she is aching to be a believer. She writes about the beauty she sees in the Catholic Church. It is the clerics that turn her off. As far as I'm concerned, Fallaci was/is a prophetess.

I can only imagine what she would say about Rosie O'Donnell if she were still alive...

No words can express my contempt...

I can't even bring myself to watch this considering how volatile my emotions are right now. I never liked Rosie O'Donnell in the first place, but she is now a full-blown conspiratard lunatic spouting 9/11 "truther" nonsense on national television, getting applause for it, and -- on her blog -- taking the side of Iran in the current hostage crisis involving British soldiers.

If somebody had told me on 9/12/01 that things would come to this, I don't think I would have wanted to live to see it. This disgusting woman -- ugly inside and out -- crapping on the graves of those who died on 9/11 and getting applauded by the studio audience! There is supposedly a conservative panelist on The View (which I don't watch), but apparently she is an ineffectual wimp. (After all, you don't think a show like The View would actually allow a bold, competent conservative voice, do you?) Shame on you, Barbara Walters, for allowing such a disgusting display on the national airwaves.

Pretty soon, a sizable percentage of the idiots in this country will believe this crap. People are so celebrity-crazed that when a pea-brained celebrity like O'Donnell belches forth this crap on national television, they actually see it as legitimate. It scares the hell out of me that this woman was applauded, rather than booed off the stage.

If only we could trade Rosie for those British hostages. Drop her off in Tehran and let them throw a bag over her so we never have to see or hear her ugliness again. Let her see how "benevolent" an Islamic theocracy really is.

Next mood swing in 5 minutes...

First of all, let me mention that one of my readers kindly pointed me to this site: Paxil Progress. (I didn't know about the site when I named my previous Paxil-related post.) It's a whole forum dedicated to people going through Paxil withdrawal. I may need to modify how I'm tapering down...we'll see.

Let me update you on my current progress. All I can say is it varies. I went to bed relatively early last night because I didn't feel like doing anything else. I wasn't particularly tired -- I had taken a nap earlier -- but I just didn't want to be awake anymore. So I took some sleeping pills and went to bed. I felt okay this morning, but after getting to work I just felt jumbled up and irritable. Nothing in particular happened to make me feel that way...it's how I usually feel lately -- on edge and slightly irritable. Now I have a tension headache...again.

I haven't had any notable dreams lately, but I have had a lot of those deals where I can't tell if I'm dreaming or awake. I'll give you a couple of examples. Saturday morning, I could have sworn I heard/saw my mother come in my room, turn on the light in my bathroom, turn it off, then leave. (Sometimes she needs to get something out of my bathroom, so this isn't unusual.) I was pretending (or so I thought) to be asleep, and when she left, I rolled over and saw that the time was 7:56. I went back to sleep. A little later, when I got up, I asked my mother what she got out of my bathroom. She said she hadn't been in my room or bathroom. I dreamed the whole thing!

Another example...I was taking a nap and I kept trying to wake up and I kept thinking I was awake, only to realize I was dreaming. At one point, I got up (or so I thought) and looked in my bathroom mirror. There was no reflection...like I was a vampire or something. I realized I was still dreaming. Finally, after numerous tries, I woke up for real. These sort of dreams have happened numerous times lately.

Well, I took something for the headache, so I'm going to get off the computer shortly, dim the lights in my room and try to relax so it will go away.

Misbehavin'

Notable new blog: The House of Apostasy. It is a blog by ex-Muslims. Their tagline is: "We Aim to Misbehave." From their About page:

Ex-Muslims have a bad rep. In Muslim circles, those ad hominems fly thick and fast when even mere mention is made of their existence. For example, there are numerous "progressive" Muslim blogs that, while having achieved much respect across the blogosphere, happily take up this more regressive attitude when discussing former Muslims. Alas, many conspiratorial Muslims generally demonise their "fallen" brothers and sisters both in public and in private, as if they were secret agents constantly scheming and plotting away, with each and every one briefed and sent by the devil himself.

But ex-Muslims are people. And most of them are very good, caring people. Many of them have families and friends who remain Muslims, but, of course, still care just as much about them, if not more. And one big reason for ex-Muslims' even deeper empathy with their Muslim families and friends is their worry about what manner of dark alleys the faith will lead them to. Many things can be said about ex-Muslims but at the end of the day, while they may have enduring disputes with central aspects of Islam itself, they are as pro-Muslim as one can get.

Emphasis mine.

This is quite true. When a piece written by one of the contributors to this blog was brought up in a thread at a certain site where a certain Muslim continues to abuse other commenters with impunity, she (this certain ill-mannered, grammatically-challenged Muslim) dismissed the author as, "another apostate flogging a book*".

*As an aside, why is it whenever someone writes a book about their negative experiences with something (like Islam, or in Dawn Eden's case, promiscuity/pre-marital sex), people who disagree think they are somehow discrediting the author by saying, "Oh, you're just trying to make a buck off your book"? As if there is something wrong with wanting to actually sell books! Why shouldn't an author make money from selling their books? It smacks of jealousy that someone would hold that against them.

Why Lutheranism?

Dan at Necessary Roughness explains in an excellent post.

Dan mentions the Doctrine of Two Kingdoms, which is very important, I think.

(Via Barb.)

Visual DNA

Here is mine:

Via Andrea.

Paxil Progress / Useful and Edifying Websites

I'm taking a few days off from work because my mother is very sick with a sinus infection. Plus, I just need some mental health days. I can't really afford the leave, but I can afford the current course I'm on even less.

Anyway, since I started weaning myself off Paxil, I've found this site very useful: QuitPaxil.info. Also, Barb pointed me to this site a while back: I Trust When Dark My Road. It is very helpful for Christians who have anxiety and depression.

As for my progress, I've been very irritable, very depressed and downright mean lately (see previous post removed -- don't feel like dealing with any possible fallout). I've had terrible headaches and my feet hurt a lot. I don't know if the foot pain has anything to do with withdrawal -- it's most likely related to my back problems -- but it's very bad. I feel like I've been walking on five inch heels all day. But I don't wear heels and I have a sedentary job.

I've had disturbing dreams. I also woke up giggling one night. I apparently had a really funny dream, but I couldn't remember what was so funny. I was just laying there in the middle of the night giggling like a lunatic. Weird.

Coming out of the Paxilated Fog

(It has taken me almost three months to put this post together. I've revised some things, updated some things, added some things and deleted some things. I deleted some passages because they seemed like pointless rambling or were too personal. Other things I deleted because, well, I am quite sure there are people in the blog world who dislike me quite a bit [and the feeling is most likely mutual]. After seeing at least one prominent right-leaning blogger being ridiculed by left-wing bloggers for being on anti-anxiety meds, I decided that some details of my experiences should not be posted publicly. I've thought about adding a password function to certain posts so that only people I trust can read them. I may yet do that. I know my blog is just a minor, low traffic blog, so I don't see that I'd be a very juicy target. However, perhaps I'm too cynical, but I have come to never underestimate the duplicity, viciousness, cruelty and two-faced backstabbery that some people can sink to.)

Something has been not quite right with me for quite some time. I started realizing this in early December. I had been feeling like part of me was numb or had gone to sleep. I found myself losing interest in things very quickly that used to endlessly excite me. I found myself unable to stick to any weight-loss regimen, no matter how easy or successful it was, because I would just lose motivation. I just would quit caring. I would try a few soapmaking projects, but they seemed more like a duty ("Gotta get that Christmas soap made!") than like something I really wanted to do. I completely lost interest in working on web design stuff and only did what little I did out of a sense of duty. I found that sometimes I would sit many hours -- or even the whole day -- at my desk at work and leave the iPod unused, listening instead to chatter in the office. I just didn't feel like music.

While I've always been introverted and needed a reasonable amount of quite time to myself, I found that I was never happy with the amount of quiet time I had. It never seemed to be enough, though I was really no busier than I had been in the past.

I have been to church only a handful of times in five months. I never finished my project that I started on my now abandoned faith journal. A few Sundays ago, I went back to church for the first time this year after my Pastor called to check on me and find out if everything was alright. I didn't tell him about all this because, well, I just didn't feel like explaining it at the time.

My work had been slipping. I didn't think as fast as I used to. My supervisor noticed my lack of motivation. (Let me add, my supervisor is a nice guy and was trying to be helpful to me.) I hadn't balanced mine or my mother's checkbooks in months. I just checked things out online. If it looked good, I didn't worry. I stopped keeping up with finances in Quicken a year and a half ago. I kept swearing I would start again and I never did. This is something I've always done for years and years. I pay my bills online, but sometimes I would forget to pay something. I had the money, I just forgot and let it slide. I can't emphasize enough how unlike me this is. I have always been very responsible with money and my finances.

In general, I have been unmotivated and apathetic. I did some things I've wanted to do for a while, like LASIK surgery or buying a new car, to jumpstart myself, but while I'm happy with these things, they would soon fade into the background of my life. Even my dreams changed. Vivid colors were replaced with drab, muted colors. The dreams were almost sepia-toned, like I was seeing things through a dirty window, and they were vaguely disturbing and sometimes apocalyptic.

Like I said, I've felt like something was wrong with me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Then, through a series of events that I don't believe are coincidental, I found out what was wrong, where my life started going off the rails, and what I could do about it.

I started taking Paxil around two years ago...in January of 2005. My doctor gave me some samples of it to try because I pretty much had a nervous breakdown right after New Year's. I've always had problems with anxiety and depression, but this time it was very, very bad. I had just had a horrendously awful Christmas season, which culminated in my having to put my beloved dog Coco to sleep. I was busy trying to arrange repairs of the damage to my house caused by Hurricane Ivan. I was taking bids from roofers, worrying about getting some more money from the insurance company, the whole deal. Shortly after Coco's death, my sister and mother get me this cockatiel to help me get over Coco's death. Forcing another pet on me so soon was the wrong thing to do. I was angry and resentful -- not at the bird because it wasn't her fault, but at my family. They meant well, but they made things worse. I had horrendous insomnia that was made worse by the fact that this bird would carry on -- loudly -- in the early morning hours.

So anyway, my doctor gave me a month's worth of samples of Paxil CR 12.5 mg. After a week or two, I was feeling much better. My mood swings were gone, I didn't get upset as easily and I could sleep again. I didn't have any apparent side-effects. People noticed how my moods had evened out, and this too was encouraging. When the samples ran out, I asked my doctor for a prescription.

I was concerned about weight-gain, and I was going to Weight Watchers at the time. I swore I would quit Paxil if I gained weight.

All seemed well for several months. It did seem like I had to struggle harder to lose weight, but I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough. I gradually quit going to Weight Watchers (even after paying for a year's membership). The weight I lost came back. I tried other diets, like Nutrisystem, and while they worked wonderfully, I could not stay motivated. I simply didn't care enough to stay motivated.

I thought about quitting Paxil, but I had read about the horrible withdrawal symptoms and I was scared to stop suddenly. Despite the weight issues, I felt like it would be vain of me to stop taking something that apparently was helping me just because of my weight. I was also afraid my old problems would come back if I stopped. In the meantime, they had taken the controlled-release tablets off the market and I was taking the regular 10mg tablets. It seemed like those pills didn't work as well and I was glad when the CR tablets came back on the market about a year ago.

In the meantime, I gradually slipped into this fog that I lived in. My emotions gradually became blunted. I rarely enjoyed good belly-laughs. Sometimes, you need a good cry and it was very hard to do that either. I might chuckle at something that I would normally find pee-in-your-pants funny. I might weep a bit at things that would normally have me bawling. But everything was muted. My anger was mostly tamed to where I would get a bit miffed and then get over it. I would avoid situations that might enrage me. Of course, I believe this to be good thing. I don't like for things to make me angry and get to me. But the price I payed for that was the blunting of all my other emotions as well. I also started to become a less affectionate and even aloof person.

Anyway, after putting my finger on the problem -- that my mind has been in a Paxil-induced fog for nearly two years -- I decided to gradually wean myself off Paxil. I talked to my doctor to make sure he knew I was doing this. He had no problem as long as I didn't stop cold turkey, which I wasn't about to do.

I started by taking the Paxil every other day rather than every day. I did this for the month of December. Then in January, I started taking it every three days. In February I took it every four days. Now, in March, I will take it every five days. I will continue with this pattern until my current bottle is empty.

As I reduced the dosage, at first, I noticed no difference. Then some very subtle but definite changes started occurring.

The color came back to my dreams again. While many are still somewhat disturbing, they are not these epic, apocalyptic dreams that had become so common. I can't remember the last time I had a really lovely dream...one that I tried to hold on to before waking up. One that left me smiling upon remembering it. I had a really terrible nightmare last week -- one in which I woke up with my heart pounding. I could remember it when I first woke up, but now I don't remember it.

I've gone through periods of severe depression intermittently. That's one reason I've been on hiatus.

Right now, I'm having mood swings. For a while, I went through a period where I would shoot up into a towering rage over almost nothing. I haven't had these "hyper-rages" lately, but I do oscillate between being irritable, depressed and then almost giddy within the same hour. I go through periods where loud or shrill voices really irritate me. Things I used to not pay any mind to, like people yammering about movies and TV shows around the office, sometimes send me into an eye-rolling sulkiness. I wish they'd just shut up. At times, loud but normal noises -- doors slamming, drawers slamming, dogs barking, etc. -- startle and irritate me. These things used to not bother me. Sometimes I don't like to talk or listen to people much. It seems like a chore. All of these things come and go.

It's all a mixture of good and bad. I enjoy music a lot more and have gotten interested in maintaining my Live 365 station again. I have had more good belly-laughs in the past two weeks or so than I had for the two years I was on Paxil. However, I also get very depressed and fatigued at times and sometimes I get terrible headaches. I have had problems with insomnia again, especially when something upsets me and gets to me.

But again on the plus side, I feel my creativity returning and I am genuinely getting inspired about making soap and bath products lately. I've also started playing around with graphics and web design stuff again. Not a lot, but at least I'm feeling interested again. I'm now keeping up with my bills and am catching up on things like balancing checkbooks. I can't believe the way I let things go. Gradually, my thinking is becoming clearer.

The point of this post is not to say that Paxil is bad and that nobody should take it. I have read some websites about quitting Paxil and they have been helpful. So far, I have not had the worst withdrawal symptoms. When I stop taking it completely, those may happen. But maybe it won't be so bad since I have been weaning down so slowly. The Paxil helped me when I was going through a rough time, but I probably should have stopped taking it once I was over the rough patch. I imagine Paxil can be very helpful to people who have more severe anxiety and depression problems than mine. I am only speaking for myself here and no one else.

A Message for Matoko and Dean Esmay

As you may or may not know, all hell has broken loose over at Dean's World. I knew this was going to happen eventually. Dean has laid down the law on acceptable ways for Islam to be discussed. I have no problem with this. It is his blog. I started staying away from the Islam threads a long time ago and I don't participate as much there as I used to anyway.

Then I read some of the comments in this thread and let myself do something I should not do...comment when I'm angry.

Dean accuses me of "playing the martyr" for observing a double standard. Then Matoko chimes in in her rather...unique style:

So matoko-chan can say Christianity is a false religion

never said that, liar
all religions are CSSs [cuturally stable strategies]
christianity is a perfectly valid religion IMH0

Well, you know, I don't take too kindly to being called a liar because I'm not as relativistic about things as she is. So I responded with my final comment ever at Dean's World.

And Matoko called me a liar again, as I knew she would. She must always get the last word and arrogance is as natural to her as breathing.

Well, here, this is my world and I get the last word.

To Matoko:

It all boils down to what Pilate said: "What is truth?"

If one believes the tenets of Christianity are true, one cannot also believe the tenants of Islam are true. They directly contradict each other. This is not emotion...it is logic.

I'm sorry, but relativistic BS like saying that Christianity is a "valid" religion because it is a "culturally stable strategy" is not the same as saying it is true.

I believe in the Nicene Creed and the Apostles' Creed. As a Muslim, you do not.

You believe Mohammad was a prophet of God and you believe the Quran is the final revelation from God. As a Christian, I do not.

You can't say both are true.

You can scream "LIAR" at me all day long, but the only one lying is you...you are lying to yourself.

BTW, when are you going to scream "LIAR" at Dean? Because in this thread he made the same point I did in reference to your statements: "Then later on, a Muslim declares Christianity false."

Dean takes a few shots sort of directed at me and I would like to respond.

• I am not an "Evangelical" in the sense I think you mean it. I'm a Confessional Lutheran. I don't believe in the "Left Behind" version of the second coming nor do I have literalist take on the creation account in Genesis. Just so you know.
• I explicitly said I accept it if a Muslim or anyone else thinks Christianity is false. They have free will and that is their choice. There was no "playing the martyr" in that instance. All I asked is that they not be a jerk about it.
• I am not playing the martyr in any manner that I can see. I just know when I'm not welcome.
• Your friend has repeatedly called me a liar for saying the same thing you said. Do you think that's fair?

Finally, I have no animosity towards Dean and I think he's a good guy who I really disagree with on some things. I'm just very disappointed in how all this has turned out. Instead of saying anything, I should have quietly turned my back and left without saying a word.

I have left the comments open, but let me warn anyone who may want to comment here, I will not tolerate any name-calling directed towards myself or my friends who also comment here. Your arrogant little games will not be allowed here. After all, this is my world.