What on Earth Would We Do without Celebrities?

I mean, they're so smart and stuff. They can tell us how to get by with only using "two or three" squares of toilet paper. They tell us amazing facts about 9/11, revealing that fire can't melt steel. They can get out of serving time in jail because they're just really stressed out. They can teach us to be a size zero by a combination of cocaine, cigarettes and ipecacs. They teach us that underwear and hygiene are purely optional. And now a supermodel, with her expansive knowledge and intellect, challenges the dumb old Pope and his outdated ideas about sexual morality.

When Gisele Bundchen says that "no one is a virgin" and "no one waits until they're married", by God, she must be right. After all, she doesn't know any virgins and she doesn't know anybody who would be so square as to wait until marriage, so she must be right and Pope Benedict must be wrong. I haven't seen such brilliant insight since the time Marie Antoinette was told the peasants had no bread to eat, so she pointed out that surely they must have some cake around to eat instead.* Gisele even challenged the Pope to "show [her] someone who's a virgin on their wedding night." I'll tell you, she has him backed into a corner now!

The Church Fathers, The Theology of the Body, Pope Benedict XVI, C.S. Lewis, G.K. Chesterton...all of these men and ideas crumble at the well-pedicured feet of the great moral theologian Gisele Bundchen.

*Yes, I know that that Marie Antoinette story is probably a myth. Actually, Marie Antoinette probably had more sense and a better moral compass than Gisele Bundchen.